4 More Days : Countdown To A Big Change
Time flies so fast. One moment I couldn't wait for the final day to arrive, and today it's going to be only 4 days for the awaited day to come.
Today I am feeling a little bit sentimental and melancholic. No, not anything to do with my decision to quit from the job and make a change. It is something more personal.
I suddenly had a burnt out, I went blur for awhile. Then something triggered me to google for my late grandfather (again). This is also triggered by recapping my conversation with the one who interviewed me a few days ago. He reminded me about my family tree.
Today, I suddenly feel missing. Missing someone whom I never met, and how much I wish he's still here to guide me to be who I am supposed to be.
As usual, when I googled on my late grandfather, a video on an interview with my father (by KlasikMedia) would come out first. It shows no new entries.
I started reading the same materials again and again. And for the millionth time I realized that my late grandfather, Syed Abdullah Al-Edrus was a real great man.
He was not only a writer, a journalist, a fighter for Jawi writings, and an educator, he was also an Islamic and a political icon. He was so well known. Our family tree is very strong. He was somebody, someone who is not ordinary. My mother used to say the same thing. Each time she shared stories about him, I have that imagination in my mind on his face and the way he speaks. He's simply unique. He owned a publishing company called Qalam back in Singapore before they moved over to Malaysia; and before the company collapsed.
There, he wrote, published and produced so many pieces written in Jawi. From reading materials for children to heavy intellectual pieces. There were also literature huge icons who contributed their writings to Qalam. It was a legacy !
Each time I have this moment (this particular moment), I would become very sentimental. My eyes were teary, for reasons I am not sure of.
Things that I can identify through my feelings are things such as how great could it be if he's still around. It would be so awesome to share the same desk and inks with your grandpa and write stuffs together - you comment on his and he comments on yours. If Qalam is still remaining today, I wouldn't be jumping into one industry to another while I've always known that if I have the choice, I just want to live and write till I die.
I am perhaps, simply one of the grand daughters of famous grandfathers whom never met their own grandfathers but only inherited the name. The difference is, perhaps, how much I wish he's still around.
Recapping my conversation with 'the interviewer' a few days ago, it makes me realized how famous he was that other people know him better than me. Well, I do have options. I could always ask my father who's been hunting by the media who wanted to get to know my grandfather. But it's not that. I want to know more and deeper, perhaps from his own mouth, which is very impossible.
I do not want the legacy. I do not want his fame. Carrying the family name is quite burdening enough. People who know me well know that I do not like to be called by the name of 'Sharifah'. I would always go by my second name. It's burdensome. People have impressions that the Sharifah's and Syed's are too conscious over our ancestry. Since in school, people's first impression towards me was always about me looking arrogant because I was born rich, which in both cases I wasn't and unfortunately am still not. A lot thought that we would only choose partners from the same ancestry. Which is not the case too. Even my father was married to my mother whom is a Bugis.
And I hardly carry 'Al-Edrus' in my name too. That would only confirm that I am a 'Sharifah', and I would only welcoming more questions on 'how-much-arabian-am I'. The last incident that I remember was when I was in secondary school. Since I have 'that' qualified face of an Arabian, an Arabian customer (those days when my family ran our own shop) asked my mother whether by any chance we are originated from Saudi Arabia. Mom took the responsibility of explaining that my father's side is originated from Yaman. Since then, I know that we are from Yaman! And since then, I know what to answer when asked - until it becomes so burdensome when people continued asking further. I simply do not fave sharing information that I do not know much. It is like cheating myself, talking about things I do not know.
And for some funny reasons, only this year I got to know that I am registered as a Malaysian and Arabian as my race. I went puzzle. I realized this when I was purchasing some home stuffs at a store. When they screened my ID, my race came out. Guess what ? The next question was, "How come you are so fluent in Malay ?" And I answered, "I.AM. A. MALAY".
I started carrying Al-Edrus when, by my own initiative, started googling and getting to know my late grandfather more and more. This has been years, so many years. Then, I simply feel that it's an honor for the late grandfather if all of his family members carry and be proud of the family name. That's the least I could do in honor to remember him. Wonder why I like that one particular picture as in the Homepage ? Because I snapped it at my grandmother's house. With his face as the background, and me at the front - I just love the photo so much.
Back to the point; I do not want the legacy and fame, far away having my name in Google and history text books, and in any media. I am simply grateful for inheriting his talent even though we are in a different direction - he was more towards heavy intellectual pieces, while I go for feature writings. I studied Mass Communication majoring in Journalism for the writing skills with no intention in being a reporter or a journalist, far away a broadcaster - caused a lot of people frowning. My mother once convinced me to go for an audition as an Islamic tv program host - I refused like crazy.
I simply want to know him in a different way even though he's no longer around. Sometimes I do not know what I'm wishing for - my apology.
The exact feeling today is more towards the what-ifs.
I am making a big change in life. I want to quit my job, have more time for God and family, and give something meaningful for my parents. I want to become a better Muslim. Whatever I am going to do after this, in shaa Allah, must have anything to do with Him. I am preparing myself not only for the future, but also for my life in the Hereafter. I want to do things that I like.
So today, I am wondering, if only my pious late grandfather is still around, perhaps I am now dedicating my life towards Qalam along with my other relatives. How beautiful could it be ? I am working with my own grandfather, do things that I overly passionate about, and guess what ? - I am working in an Islamic environment. BINGO ! I have all that I wished for.
While the reality is, I am here quitting my comfortable job in 4 days time, not knowing whether I will survive or otherwise. I have a list of problems that is waiting to attack me mentally and emotionally. I have a business but still growing. I can't afford not to work but I want to pursue my study faster at the same time.
The only weapon I have is my own determination. I need to continuously believing and having faith that everything will turn out just well.
It is just that, if my grandfather is still around, things would probably be a little bit different. The least of difference is perhaps, me lying on his lap and cry on my problems, while he would just lend ears and look at my tantrums and comfort me, and at the end say, "I've been there. Just stay strong. You have me. You have us. Everything will be alright". And then I stop crying.
Al-Fatihah
In memory of my beloved grandfather,
Syed Abdullah Al-Edrus
Semoga Syurga menjadi tempat akhirmu....
